The Intervention
by kdzl
Summary: Friends don't let friends live like this, and Penelope Garcia is a true friend. No pairings, just a little fun with the whole team.


**_AN/Knowing that Garcia is a little bit of a neat freak (ep 1.08--Natural Born Killer, ep 1.11--Blood Hungry, and ep 3.10--True Night) and that JJ's office is a little bit of a disaster(every time we see her office), I decided to write this. Hope you like it! _**

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_"Experience has taught us that men will not adopt and carry into execution measures the best calculated for their own good without the intervention of a coercive power."_

_-George Washington_

"Garcia, thanks for doing this on short notice, I've got to run down to the--" JJ's explanation was interrupted as Garcia nabbed her son out of her arms.

"Honey. Don't you worry you're pretty blonde head about it. You're coming back to work next week, plus, what type of fairy godmother would I be if I didn't come to spoil my little godson?" Garcia dissmissed JJ's gratitude, then took a moment to survey the apartment. "Erm, Jayje. When was the last time you did the dishes?"

"It's been a while. I've been busy." JJ said, slightly defensive. She wouldn't normally call anyone on a saturday night to watch Henry, but since Will wasn't around, she had run out of options.

"I realize that, but..." Garcia stopped, "but you go. I will deal with, _this."_She said as she ushered her friend out the door. Her mission was obvious, her godson was in danger. Not by any serial killer or external force, but by the hazardous natural disaster of JJ's housekeeping. She knew immediately the first person she could call.

"Reid. How fast can you get over here?" She asked jostling the baby, too disgusted to try to use any forms of pleasentries.

"Um, where are you?" Reid asked. He had just been rereading one of his favorite novels.

"JJ's apartment. Our godson is in mortal danger. How fast can you get here?" Garcia repeated her question.

"Ten minutes." Reid promised as he grabbed his coat and his keys. If Henry was in danger, Spencer Reid would be the first to do anything to help him.

True to his word, nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds later he was standing in front of JJ's door, knocking nervously. Garcia opened the door, quickly ushering him in.

"Garcia, what's wrong? Has something happened?" Reid looked around nervously. JJ's apartment didn't seem any more different than it usually did, although there was a foul smell eminating from Henry--but he assumed that was normal.

Garcia simply stared at him in disgust. "Really? Hermit genius? Gross!" Garcia said in disbelief. "Dishes. Now!" She commanded as she pulled out her phone. "Apparently women are the only sanitary creatures on this planet....except for JJ." She muttered as she hit 3 on speed dial.

"Ems. Matter of National Security. How soon can you be at JJ's apartment?" Garcia asked, instantly smiling at the loud background music that betrayed Emily's location.

"Sorry, it was nice to meet you. That's my sick grandma, I guess I have to go." Garcia would have laughed had the situation not been so dire as she overheard Emily blow off some guy. She was a woman on a mission.

"Ems. How soon?"

"Seven minutes."

"If you speed?" Garcia pressed, knowing Emily's habit of always following the rules.

"Four minutes thirty seconds." Emily admitted begrudgingly as she grabbed the small clutch and left the bar.

"I'll be counting." Garcia promised.

When Emily arrive forty seconds later than promised, Garcia was tempted to shout. But knowing that concessions had to be made in Henry's best interest, she decided it was not wise to insult the only other hygenically correct person in the BAU.

"Sorry, Traffic." Emily explained. "Now, what was so important?"

"Behold my dear, the great and terrible disaster of our time." Garcia said, pointing to JJ's main room. "This is the best one, and look at it!"

Emily gasped in response. She had always known her blonde friend to be a little messy, but this was unacceptable. Piles of newspapers littered the front room with fast food wrappers, clothes, and other miscellaneous junk and toys littering the floor.

"It looks like a bomb went off." Emily observed.

"I'm not sure one didn't go off, it sure would explain a lot." Garcia agreed.

"What is so wrong with it?" Reid called from the kitchen.

Garcia instantly observed that Emily was not clad in cleaning attire, and she could not see Emily's cocktail dress being effective in the mission of sanitation. "Go change into JJ's sweats...NOW!" She ordered, while Emily obeyed without question. Garcia was glad that Emily could see the seriousness of the situation. Putting Henry to bed, Garcia resolved that she would never allow her godson's living quarters to reach this level of atrociousness.

"You know what I hate?" Emily called from the back bedroom where Garcia had already spotted another major crisis.

"What Sweet Cakes?" Garcia tried to respond calmly as she began gathering trash in the main room.

"That JJ is three feet shorter than I am!" Emily insisted as Garcia looked up in surprise, unable to stop the chuckle at the brunette's appearance. The sweatpants came to Emily's mid calf, and JJ's t-shirt seemed a mid-drift on the taller woman.

"Aww, girl, you look slammin! Now, go help Reid in the kitchen and make sure he's not breaking anything." Garcia commanded. As if on cue, a loud crash came from the kitchen, followed by Henry starting to scream in the next room. "What did you do this time?" She yelled in frustration.

"Not my fault! There is water on the floor...I couldn't help it....It slipped!" Reid shouted.

"What slipped?" Garcia asked worried.

"JJ's cat." Reid explained as if it was obvious.

"If I cannot tell that JJ has a pet living in this dump, then it is a death trap for itty bitty Henry!" Garcia yelled to the ceiling, hoping that some higher power would swipe this mess clean. Emily, not wanting to witness an emotional breakdown, quickly made her way to the kitchen to help Reid. She immediately began clearing off the counter, putting the bowls in the cabinet, shoving the collection of random socks in a laundry basket, when she came across JJ's Christmas decorations, thrown haphazardly into a pile in the corner. She grabbed an empty box and began neatly piling ornaments into it. When she realized the shear magnitude of how much of JJ's things needed to go down to storage, she knew there was no way that she could manage it all by herself.

"Garcia! We need to call Hotch and Morgan. JJ has some really big stuff that needs to go downstairs." Emily called to her friend.

"Hey guys, I can manage that stuff!" Reid said indignantly, trying to salvage his manhood from the floral apron Garcia had shoved him in.

"Sorry, Genius boy. You will be the first person I ask when I need to know how fast bacteria is spreading, but this is not your area of expertise." Garcia responded kindly as she walked into the kitchen. "Emily, I think we can handle this on our own." She said, opening a cabinet as all of its contents fell on her. "On second thought...Hand me the phone!"

Garcia easily dialed the familiar number of her favorite object of adoration. When she heard his deep, soothing voice on the line, she would melt if the situation was not so life-threatening. "Morgan, I will shoot myself if you are not at JJ's apartment in seven minutes! This is not a drill!" She yelled as she slammed the end button on her phone. She had no time for her hunk of milk chocolate muscles to argue with her. She instantly dialed Hotch's cell number.

"CODE BLACK! ASSASINATION ATTEMPT! JJ'S APARTMENT! I REPEAT, CODE BLACK!" Garcia shouted to the Unit Chief, and ended the call before he could respond.

Reid began to laugh, "What do you want to bet that Hotch calls child protective services?"

"Why, JJ's apartment or who she is leaving her kid with?" Emily whispered.

"Excuse me, I am not the one endangering his life with this filth!" Garcia shot back.

"In all fairness to JJ, her apartment is messy, but not unsanitary. I see no rat droppings or cockroaches anywhere." Reid pointed out.

"And the last time you clipped your finger nails was when?" Garcia asked in attempt to discredit the wayward genius. One day he would understand why they had to do this for JJ, and he would feel guilty about his attempts to undermine the operation, Garcia was sure of it.

When the door bell rang, Emily ran to get the door. She was sick of watching Reid and Garcia have it out. While Reid was correct, JJ's house didn't bring cause to call HAZMAT, he was forgetting that to Garcia, anything not sterile was a disaster, unless it came to reproduction, Emily mused as she opened the door for Morgan.

"Garcia is going to kill herself why?" Morgan said before getting a clear shot at Emily. "Woah Babygirl, wash those pesky cottons on hot?" He said, gawking at Emily's high water fashion.

"Oh, thank you karma! You are here! We need your biceps desperately!" Garcia shouted relieved, running towards Morgan before Emily could retort.

"Why do you need them more than usual?" Morgan asked curiously.

"Because we are trying to save Mother Earth from the disaster that we call JJ's home maintenance." Garcia said, dragging Morgan to the kitchen. "We need you to help us carry things down stairs. Come now, My love, before I go insane."

Before Emily could follow the pair, she heard a knock on the door. Opening it, she saw Hotch give her a very surprising look.

"Did you go through a growth spurt recently? I had that happen to me when I was fifteen, it was awful." He teased uncharacteristically.

"Funny." Emily retorted.

"So, who got assassinated?"

As if in answer to Hotch's question, a loud shriek came from the kitchen followed by a pathetic 'MEOWWW!'

"Apparently JJ's cat." Emily said, ushering him into the major 'cleaning briefing' area.

Garcia immediately took command as everyone gathered in the main room, "Alright troops, work has to be done. Today is the day that our children will talk about forever, it is the day where we will mark ourselves as great, it is the day...." Morgan interrupted her long, thought provoking speech.

"Penelope, what are we supposed to do?" He asked, saving him and the rest of the team from the hour sermon she must have planned, it would be like the inter-unit softball game all over again, and that hadn't ended well.

"Alright Angelfishes, divide and conquer!" Garcia shouted zealously as she armed herself with a broom and dustpan, looking fairly dangerous.

"Are you seriously telling me that Garcia called so I would help clean JJ's apartment?" Hotch whispered to Emily.

"Yes, and I am afraid that if you don't do exactly as she says, you may not make it out alive." Reid whispered in reply, having come out of the kitchen to witness Garcia's rallying of the troops.

"Mr. Boss man and Hunk-meister, you are on fixing her leaky sink and carrying the heavy boxes downstairs. Emily, go attack the bathroom. Reid, continue your campaign against the kitchen and try _not_ to break anything--TAKE NO PRISONERS!" Garcia yelled as she fluttered around the room.

The group made quick work of the assignment, delving into each area as though it was a serial killer that needed to be profiled. Emily cleaned up toothpaste globs from the sink and sanitized every crevice she could find. Hotch and Morgan began lifting heavy boxes then divided themselves to fix any leaky faucets and any other home repairs that needed to be completed. Reid carefully scrubbed the caked on grease off the oven and counter tops.

"Garcia, do you know if JJ would have a wrench?" Hotch asked after having searched in every plausible cabinet.

"Is that the turnie thing, or the hittie thing?" Garcia called from the back bedroom, trying to prune the potted plant in JJ's room without success.

"Never mind, I'll just call Dave--he'll have tools." Hotch muttered.

"No! It is my job to alert the Valkerie, you go grab Morgan and move the couches." Garcia commanded.

"Agent Rossi! The Universe is exploding! Come to JJ's house and bring wrenchers!" Garcia announced as soon as soon as Dave answered the phone, aware that she had no idea about construction tools, but unwilling to allow others to usurp her control of the situation.

Thirteen minutes later, Rossi knocked awkwardly on JJ's front door, he was friends with most of the members of the team, but he hadn't ever been to JJ's apartment before. Hotch opened the door, looking odd with his characteristic tie missing and his long sleved t-shirt rolled up to his elbows.

"You bought new tools? You mean you didn't have a wrench?" Morgan scoffed slightly at the older profiler.

"Figured if somebody needed tools, I could just buy new ones and they could keep them. Universe is exploding?" Rossi explained, then asked them questioningly.

"Cleaning JJ's apartment. I was told it was an Assassination Attempt." Hotch admitted, stealing the box of tools from Dave's hands and grabbing the supplies he needed.

"Garcia's own suicide attempt." Morgan added, as the men laughed slightly at Garcia's progressively deteriorating situation.

"You know, I'm half tempted to call CPS about JJ leaving Henry with her."

"Emily! You owe me $20!" Reid called, having just come up behind them and overheard Hotch's admission.

"What, why?" Emily asked as she came out of the bathroom, only to cause Rossi to chuckle at her appearance.

"I didn't know the 80s were back with a bang." Rossi said sarcastically, causing the group to errupt with laughter.

"Laugh all you want, but I just finished cleaning the bathroom, and JJ _so _owes me for that." Emily retorted, pulling off the gloves that she had used to keep her hands from deteriorating in the possible toxic materials she was using to cleanse JJ's bathroom.

"Then, you start in on the nursery. Once we're done, we will watch a movie." Garcia commanded once more.

* * *

JJ sighed as she reached her apartment door. It had only taken her four hours to sort through all of the paperwork that she needed to get taken care of for Henry's daycare and all of the various other errands she had to run--she was just glad they had been willing to let her take care of it this late on a Saturday night.

Sliding her key in the door, and opening it she was shocked at the sight that met her eyes. Five profilers and a technical analyst sat on the couch or floor of her main room, with 'Sleepless in Seattle' (Garcia's obvious choice) playing on her wide screen TV. More than that, 90% of all of her stuff seemed to have mysteriously vanished.

"What are you guys doing here?" She asked, startling the group that obviously hadn't heard her entrance. "And what happened to all my stuff?" She asked, trying not to sound like an ingrate for their obvious effort of helping to declutter her life.

"I called the cavelry when I saw what a disaster my poor godson was living in." Garcia said simply almost daring JJ to argue, "We got rid of the stuff you don't need, and I found out that you have a cat."

"So you met Fluffy. But I needed all of that stuff!" JJ insisted, feeling a slight panic at the possibility that she would need some of the things that had disappeared.

"Jayje, there is no way that you need Burger King reciepts from 2005."

"Well, you never know. I might get audited, or there could have been a coupon, or..."

"Jayje. This is an intervention. You are my friend, and I am doing what is best for you." Garcia demanded with a look that did not allow JJ to retort.

"Remind me never to answer the phone if it's Garcia on a Saturday Night." Rossi mused, as he grabbed another handful of popcorn.

"Emily, why do you look like you belong in a cheap excercise video?" JJ asked, then recognizing her own clothes began to laugh.

"Everybody is a comedian...." Emily mumbled angrily.

"Sit down , it is getting to the good part!" Garcia ordered overshadowing Emily's mutterings.

"Wow! Some intervention." JJ mused as she looked around her apartment, sitting between Hotch and Rossi on the couch as she fought for the bowl of popcorn. "I didn't even know I had this bowl."

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**_AN/Hunk-meister, for all of you who didn't know is a 'master of Hunk' according to the dictionary--and yes, for anyone of my faithful readers that was wondering, I am a little bit of a neat freak myself._**


End file.
